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Hi, this is Coach MK, and this the Morning Mantra; because a little bit of MK goes a long, long way!
Today’s mantra is: “I am NOT crazy.”
...And you know what? You’re not.
Have you ever felt a little crazy, have you ever like so wound up, like no one was listening to you and you had this great point, or this really obvious thing was happening, and no one was paying attention or cared? Yeah, I know you know what I’m talking about. That happens to me a lot.
That feeling that you’re experiencing? That’s not actually crazy, it is a crazy-making situation called ‘invalidation’. And invalidation is surprising. Because when you say something like “Hey, I’m really nervous right now”, what you expect the person you are talking to to say is like “Okay, I got you. How can I help?” Instead, what tends to happen is “Ah what? This is no big deal. Don’t worry about him. It’s fine. This is fine. What are you worried about? You’re crazy, you’re crazy. That is Jim, he is so nice, oh my god, everyone loves Jim.”
We’re now living in a day and age where women can say, “Hey, that guy’s totally abusive” and maybe someone will listen. Whether or not this always a good thing remains to be seen, but for now I can tell you this: I’ve had to modify my behavior for so long to make sure I wouldn’t be a target, I kinda don’t care if men have to modify their behavior too so they’re not seen as a predator. When that pendulum swings the whole other direction we’ll have a conversation, but yeah guys it’s starting to move.
What does this mean for women? It means that we need to start owning our feelings in a way we’ve never been allowed to most of our lives. Here’s some basic fundamental emotional needs that are healthy and normal and universal: To be acknowledged, to be accepted, to be listened to, to be understood, to be loved, to be appreciated, to be respected, to be safe, to be valued, to be worthy, to be trusted, to feel capable and confident, to feel clear instead of confused, and to be supported.
Chances are pretty good that those moments of fear that you have, those moments of crazy, come when any of those things that I just outlined have not been met in a given interaction. When you said “Hey mom! I got into college!” And she kinda stared at you. When you told your friends, “Hey guys! You won’t believe what just happened.” And they’re like “Eh, whatever.” When you told your boyfriend, “Hey! I got this job!” And he’s like, “who cares?” In those moments when someone has failed to meet your basic human needs, that makes you feel a little weird. Like, why did I get this response, this is so abnormal. We take it on ourselves: this is so abnormal, I must have brought it up incorrectly, I wasn’t thinking about him, I wasn’t thinking about your reaction, I wasn’t thinking about how this would hit you.
And you know what? That’s some bollocks. That is just pure bull. It’s normal to feel things. It’s good to feel things, it’s healthy to feel things. And if the people you surround yourself with are invalidating you, if they’re not saying “Hey that’s great!” even if they don’t care. If they can’t show you common basic courtesy, the problem isn’t you. You are not crazy. You are totally surrounded by butt heads. Let’s fix that.
Here’s what I want you to do with the mantra today. The first time you seek validation in an interaction and fail to get it, I want you to avoid that person. I want you to see if you can get through the rest of your day without needing to interact with them. You’d be surprised how easy it is to get the things you need from any other place. Few people have so much power that you must interact with them. Outside of family members, and that’s a whole different podcast. But for now, if you’re going through your day, and that dude in Accounting is a total butthead, you know what? Don’t talk to the dude in accounting. Talk to somebody else. If that person that you have to sit next to every day at lunchtime or usually end up sitting next to them every day at lunchtime, who never really says anything nice to you or about you. Could you maybe eat somewhere else? Is there really only one place you can go?
Or that person you run with, that person makes you feel less or that person who kinda makes you wonder if I was faster, if I was thinner, if I was prettier, if I was smarter, would you still talk to me? I feel like you don’t actually like me that much, and you don’t respect me, and you don’t hear when I ask you for things. These people don't’ belong anywhere in your life. I would challenge you to find whatever it is that you need from that person, go get it somewhere else. Chances are pretty good that what you’re feeling is an improper attachment. That’s not a real need. Let’s fix that. Let’s get away from those people.
Because you are coached, and you are loved, and you are winning at life, and we’ve got better things to do than sit around and try to be validated by total buttheads. That would be crazy.
Coach MK Fleming is the founder of Fitness Protection, LLC where she coaches all kinds of runners for $30 per month and gives marathon plans away for free. Click here to download her Marathon Selection Guide!