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Shady Bitch Lesson 3: All Things Considered

Hitting the gym to release stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people who caused the stress in the first place.

Hi! I’m Coach MK and This is The Morning Mantra.

*cue intro music*

Hi, my name is MK Fleming. I'm a run coach based in Denver, Colorado. But this isn't a podcast about running, exactly. Don't tell my clients, but *whispers* we're never really talking about the running. When you know a crap-tastic event is coming it helps to have a mantra to keep you centered and focused as you move through it. You don't have to be an athlete to be hashtag #coachedandloved by coach MK. And if you are here, then you are hashtag #winningatlife.

*music ends*

Todays Mantra is: All Things CONSIDERED.

Coach MK is here to make spirits BRIGHT and get you EXCITED to breathe that toxic holiday air with some SHADY BITCH LESSONS! Because some of us spend holidays in HELL.

To Recap:

Conversations with passive aggressive folk is like verbal tennis- as soon as the ball is in your court, GET IT OUT! SWING AWAY!. The only way to lose is to stand there and hold the ball.

Now, there is zero passive in my aggression, and that method does not work for everyone. I get that. I’m not encouraging you to be anything other than yourself: the goal here is to plant some seeds in your brain that can grow into trees, and when the moment is right you can pick off a nice switch and beat someone’s ego back into submission.

The golden rule for all Shady Bitches is the first rule of Improv: just go with it. You respond to WHATEVER is said to you. Respond to their words, not to your feelings. They KNOW they are hurting your feelings, that’s the whole point. That’s the source of their power. You can take that power back.

In lesson 1: we respond to phrases like, “I don’t understand…” with, “I know you don’t”

In lesson 2: we learned to meet TMI questions with TMI answers.

Lesson 3: The Backhanded Compliment.

These are the worst. They come in two forms: the What the fuck, which is a nice statement followed by something terrible, and the JESUS CHRIST!, which is a “helpful” suggestion. Today we’re going to focus on the, “WHAT THE FUCK!”

Examples of What the Fuck include:

  • “That dress does a great job of hiding your weight gain”

  • “You are SO PRETTY in spite of all that grey hair.”

  • “These cookies are amazing! Did your nanny make them?”

  • You must be THE BEST COACH ever, you don’t even have to run fast to get their money!”

YEP. Someone said that to me yesterday. We’ll come back to that.

Examples of the JESUS CHRIST! Include:

  • You could be so much prettier if you’d just lose some weight.

  • You will be an AMAZING mom, even if you never have kids of your own.

  • Your kids would behave better if you’d spend more time with them.

If you’ve found yourself responding to a “What the Fuck” like a deer in headlights, don’t be ashamed. These usually take a minute to sink in, because it takes a minute to register that someone just said something terrible to you in front of other people and if you respond with hurt or anger you are unlikely to have support because what they said is only INDIRECTLY terrible. WHAT THE FUCK?!?

“That dress does a great job of hiding your weight gain”

Take a deep breath. This moment is NOT okay, and you have every right to fight back. Get ready to serve.

Key here is the execution. What this person said was subtle, it was meant to be overlooked. BUT IT WAS a compliment, and it would be RUDE to overlook compliments!

The single most powerful response to any backhanded compliment is a very loud, “THANK YOU! God that means SO MUCH coming from you, all things considered!”

Executed correctly, you have everyone’s attention. The room will go a little quiet, people will start listening. Don’t let them look away. “All things considered” ooooh my GOD THAT IS SHADE. We are alluding to those things we don’t talk about, those things we don’t talk about that aren’t actually secrets- those things that are SO OBVIOUS because EVERYONE KNOWS THEM. That’s the point of shade, you see. Shining a light on dark corners is direct. It’s rude. It hurts the eyes! Shade just happens, and some may not notice it. Kind of like a backhanded compliment.

“God that means SO MUCH coming from you, all things considered!”

There are only two responses here, and either way you win:

  1. The person tries to call you out, “what the FUCK is that supposed to mean?” Now, you can match it and call them out. “I don’t know what did YOU MEAN when you pointed out my weight gain, bitch?

  2. They seethe silently.

Match, point. Either way, you win. You just turned, “WHAT THE FUCK” into “WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?” You handled that moment like a Shady Bitch, and your coach is VERY very proud. Maybe you can’t tell everyone to fuck off, but ANYONE can throw shade like a classy, sassy Southern Bitch. It all starts with shady little comments said under your breath like, "all things CONSIDERED".

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