The Morning Mantra is available on iTunes, Overcast, Stitcher, Youtube, Soundcloud, Spotify, Youtube and pretty much anywhere podcasts can be found. Transcripts forthcoming on the blog at www.coachedandloved.com
I LOVE IT when people think they're gonna punish me by not talking to me.
Hi! I’m Coach MK and This is The Morning Mantra.
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Hi, my name is MK Fleming. I'm a run coach based in Denver, Colorado. But this isn't a podcast about running, exactly. Don't tell my clients, but *whispers* we're never really talking about the running. When you know a crap-tastic event is coming it helps to have a mantra to keep you centered and focused as you move through it. You don't have to be an athlete to be hashtag #coachedandloved by coach MK. And if you are here, then you are hashtag #winningatlife.
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Today's Mantra is: I Know You Don't.
Been going through allll the emails you guys have been sending about the challenges you are facing this holiday season...and frankly, i'm having FUN. Every bit of pain you send requires me to be equally BONKERS. And I will do that for YOU! You're welcome.
One minor theme has already emerged- 92% of responses so far mention "passive aggressive comments from X that I have to ignore."
You need to know: you don’t have to ignore SHIT. You CAN respond to everything. How do I know? I'm SOUTHERN. We are the OG shady bitches. I'm telling you, "bless your heart" ain't a prayer.
It's easier if we do this as a series of lessons. Think of today's lesson as: the power serve.
Passive-Aggressive conversation is a power play, verbal tennis. You THINK the onus is on you to respond, that's where you're getting it wrong.
"I don't understand...." Is truth. They will never understand. They don’t WANT to understand. Why would you try to explain anything? They STILL WILL NOT UNDERSTAND. This is where you don’t realize you are giving that person control, you aren’t returning the serve. You’re holding the ball. You're making this about YOU.
Now, this is going to take time to internalize, because it probably goes against everything you’ve ever been taught to do. So we’re gonna break it down to an “if, then” logic statement, program it in your head like an excel spreadsheet: every sentence that starts with, “I don’t understand….” you respond with, “I know you don’t, bless your buttons.” then look at ‘em like a homeless puppy with worms hanging out its butt as you get up and move, PHYSICALLY ending the conversation. Grab a cup from the table, offer your kid a treat you usually wouldn’t, “let me fill that for you baby” and waltz into the kitchen as you get your husband a beer then drink it and forget to come back; i hate when that happens when family is around.
Any situation you can think of that starts with, “I don’t understand….” can be matched with the power serve:
I don’t understand why you don’t visit us more often.
I don’t understand HOW you have time to train for races you won’t ever win.
I don’t understand why your kid plays video games instead of talking to his FAMILY!”
“I don’t understand why you don’t have a JOB with your DEGREE”
“I don’t understand why you aren’t pregnant yet, are you having sex?”
OOPS no, that last one is lesson 2: SCAR THEIR SOULS WITH DETAILS AND MAKE THEM SORRY THEY ASKED. This is effective, you rarely have to do it twice...but it will get you uninvited to other family events. If that sounds tempting, email mk@coachedandloved.com and let me know if you want more lessons like this one as we sail into the holiday season!
So, the mantra: in the South, scorn and condescention are the only acceptable responses, because they are power serves. You have more power than you think you do. When you hear, “I don’t understand….” don’t hide, stand up and SERVE! “Oh honey I know you don’t, bless your buttons!”